02/07/1953-14/02/2012

The phone rang my sister on the other end asking if I have had the NEWS. Already I knew someone was dead however I was not prepared for what came next...she said with a faint voice :"Our father is no more" I don't remember what I said I think I said something like "I hear you I know you wouldn't lie about something like this but I don't believe you" for a couple of days I did not believe it. The news left me numb I didn't even cry. All I kept thinking how could I not feel my dads departure; why am I not feeling his spirit around me; was he in that hurry to leave and what the HELL was he doing there anyway; why didn't he tell me he was going home like he would normally do.Oh by the way all these questions didn't get me anywhere.
I was still left with the fact that he was not around anymore. At times I would catch myself having fun laughing and joking with other people then suddenly an annoying voice would sneak up on me with a "U shouldn't be laughing or did you forget you don't have a father anymore" then bang everything is all gloomy. I've notice after the funeral a part of me went six feet with him. I just don't care about things I used to care about, everything is just what it is it's it all don't phase me. I guess that's why I haven't been able to write anything until now. I decided to share with you this part of my journey not sure how far I can take you with me cause I'm not sure how far I'm willing to go for myself.Not long it's going to be his birthday how am I going to deal with that. When do I stop feeling guilty for smiling/laughing. How do I let go. I find myself not being able to answer a simple "How are you" it kills me to say I'm fine when I'm not do I continue being polite with the "I'm fines" people seem to expect. How do I move forward it's as if I do move on then I will forget him and that's the last thing I wanna do.